I’m pretty sure I’ve forgotten about 99% of what I learned in school. My education was designed for me and my classmates to grow up and become dull everyday people - losers that sit around talking about things that happened in the past. But how are we supposed to survive on the streets if all we know is Microsoft Office!? Today I'm gonna teach you guys some shit I've learned in the real world. Facts, tricks and tips that have changed my life forever. For better or for worse, it's good to know what's up.
Disclaimer: If they didn’t teach you about evolution or if you didn’t have sex ed I can’t help you.
Women shit themselves when they have babies
This should be general knowledge. This should be printed on tshirts. I know some of you really don’t like talking about poop but honestly... wouldn’t you rather be prepared than surprised?
If you don’t like banana strings, peel the banana backwards
Mind blowing I know, just learned this myself.
Listen to your body
Fuck diets and new research. You have the answers within you. Eat organic. Drink water. Do whatever just don’t overdo it.
If you want a piece of chocolate, have a piece of chocolate, you don’t have to eat the whole block - Miranda Kerr, Victoria’s Secret Angel and fucking genius.
Where nuts come from
Seriously, do you know where peanuts come from? Do they grow on trees? Are they in the ground? On a bush? I have no fucking idea but someone should probably teach us.
How to treat your vagina
Please, let’s just once and for all get this straight: wash with warm water or oil, sleep naked, use 100% cotton undies. Also, coconut oil works great as natural lube and pussy cream.
How to treat someone else’s vagina
Like the fucking delicate flower it is ok, we all have different preferences but it’s not a drunken pizza slice at 3 in the morning. And if it is, make sure to warm it up before you devour it.
Don’t give fucks
Be real. Anything else is a waste of time.
Learn from other’s mistakes and let others learn from yours.
Stressed is just desserts spelled backwards
Relax, get your Harry Potter on ;)
Don’t put metal in the toaster
I learned the hard way and nearly died - my ex got close to killing me when I stuck a knife in there.
You can keep hardboiled eggs in your purse for three days
Pretty self explanatory.
Time travel is possible
The government had internet 50 years before we did so they've most definitely already been around the century. And we just need to learn how to deal with this because it's gonna change everything. EVERYTHING.
Deal with not having a phone
Like how to make a watch with a stick in the sun. How to use words to speak to people. How to pronounce abbreviations and express emotions using your face.
The high five hands we've always thought were praying 🙏
One of the biggest aha moments to wreck our perception of the world we live in. We communicate through emojis and this confusion has caused a lot of unfortunate misunderstandings. Even if you are amongst the 1% who always knew about the high five hands, you must've been so confused about how everyone else used them?
Because we have no fucking idea when this could happen or how the hell we're gonna deal with it. I don't have the answers to this. All I can say is that love conquers all?
How birds have sex
It's gross. But you should youtube it.
I hope this little read blew your mind, or at least made you feel less lost. The world isn't black and white, it's grey. Some things are unexplainable and that's okay. If you have the solution to any of my unanswered questions, please let me know.