Hey great news, apple finally realized that it's not just white people living on this earth so they're updating their emojis. Soon enough we'll have a more realistic supply of faces to express our emotions with. In the meantime, I'll help you out with how to use the normal not-as-creepy-looking yellow ones. Alright, I’m gonna get a lot of shit for this one, just keep in mind that I’m a hundred percent serious about everything.
Are you a middle aged man scanning match.com to find a partner, a geeky science student trying out tinder for the first time or just a fan of mine stalking my snapchat? Is the language of the youth these days difficult to comprehend? Whoever you are and wherever you come from, I am here to help, but let’s be clear: this is purely out of my perspective and how I see it. I’m not saying that using any of these emojis is wrong and I’m not trying to offend you by stepping on your favourite way of expressing emotions. I’m simply explaining to you what the emoji user it most likely trying to say. For example, in my experience the winky guy is usually a desperate virgin, but the point of this post is not to make fun of sexual inexperience, or anything else for that matter, but rather to prepare you, whoever you may be, to deal with these utterly confusing 21st century conversations. Me, I was born in the 90s, I don’t remember life without piratebay, ever using a fax machine or texting without smileys or abbreviations. Obviously this is a science that takes a long time to learn, but here are some quick notes from an unintentional expert to get you started in your own exploration. Let me break it down for you, starting with the basics.
THE WINK 😉
Some might call it timeless, iconic, an expression that never goes out of style, the perfect go-to flirt. The infamous wink smiley has had a long life and many fear it might never end. It has the ability to dramatically change the intent of a sentence simply by its own presence. This is a powerful move and a force to be reckoned with. Let’s look at an example:
Alex: How are you today?
Actual meaning: How are you today?
Now let’s add the wink.
Alex: How are you today? 😉
Meaning: When can I fuck you in your tight little pussy bbgirl?
Adding the wink to a regular everyday question changes the entire meaning of the sentence. And the author is in 99% of the cases fully aware of that. It’s a fun game, right? Just know what you’re getting into. The wink never lies 😉.
Note: Multiple winks can mean mental instability or intoxication. Don’t fear. Enjoy - but from a distance.
😛 - Never trust ANYONE who uses the 😛, also known as the loser smiley. The person you are talking to is most definitely an immature dick with a lonely future ahead.
Kimmie: What you got going on this weekend?
Meaning: What you got going on this weekend?
Kimmie: What you got going on this weekend? 😛
Meaning: Wanna come over and be the first (and maybe last) to ever touch my ugly white trash ass?
Note: There is also some individuals using the :P smiley in condescending ways to annoy the receiver. Long story short, let’s just leave the tongue stretching to Miley.
The emojional crying smiley 😪😢
Let’s stop pretending and face reality in the face. This smiley is really fucking sad. It honestly makes me think about crying kittens and really tiny puppies. When there’s no more guacamole and you accidentally bought kale chips. When you forgot to buy rolling paper and it’s raining outside. When your crush hasn’t texted you back in two hours but is active on social media. When random old men spoil the ending of the book you’re reading. Point of story - this smiley is not suitable to express emotions or empathy for real problems.
HEART EYES 😍
I wanna marry everyone who cares enough to send me the heart eye emoji.
THE CACTUS 🌵
The cactus is a world known code for "Let's go fuck in the desert". If you didn't know this - you're welcome. Just saved you some awkward moments of virtual silence and not knowing what to say.
THE POOP 💩
Whenever someone sends me a poop smiley I know they’re really trying to show me love and affection. It might not be the same in your case. That’s all I can say.
THE ANGEL 😇
"Look at me I’m cute, please buy me something I can't afford myself."
THE DICK 💪
Some people might say this is a muscle, THAT IS A LIE. A myth. A disruption of the truth. It is clearly a dirty, horny, pulsating cock and if you don’t agree with me you probably just got off and don’t even think about sex because your love life is so great well hallelujah and congrats to you but it’s still a dick. Obviously there’s a strategic agenda behind the design that the creator developed to let people get a little naughtier using emoticons. This is incredibly clever, impressive and inspiring and I hope to see more of this in the future.
Other things to keep in mind:
When your girl/boy is responding to your texts with nothing else but a bunch of smileys in a random order, 👸😇💩🌵😁👽 he or she has a hard time responding to whatever you wrote first, and you should probably reconsider what you said. I know this because I use this method myself to avoid unwanted conversations, way too often.
I hope you enjoyed this little emoji bible and use the guidelines wisely. If you got any questions for the pro, let me know and I’ll do what I can, just know my schedule is real busy 😉. But honestly guys, we’re all shaved cats inside, naked under our clothes, so just breathe, relax and have a good time.
K thx bye 😛😛😛