New York is, although incredibly densely populated, on occasion a very lonely city. Anxious to meet new people, yet more so out of curiosity, I finally gave in and went on Tinder. After hours of confusion - yawning at the endless identical and equally mundane profiles to laughing out loud at a statue of liberty dressed in a thong bikini and smoking a joint, I found myself paying less and less attention and simply trusting my intuition. I had little previous experience of the app and as the true deep diver I claim to be there was research to be done. I'm lucky to have a slutty older brother who's kind enough to let me spice up his profile, talk to whoever I'd like and watch the action live, all from the exclusive inside of his account. Besides the enjoyment I got from reading my bros pickup lines, not too different, yet fairly more salacious than mine, I realized that there's so much you can do to create an intriguing profile and we all need to step up our game if we want to make the dating world a better place. This is why you're here today - to take your profile to the next level, connect to strangers and learn the basic dos and don'ts of the app. Ladies and gentlemen, I'm gonna teach you how to Tinder. To do this, I first have to mention my own experiences and how I got to where I'm at.
Back in my own account, I quickly realized that 9 out of 10 users won't even make an effort. The dead "hey what's up"s and "how are you today"s started to roll in and I was just about to delete the app and drop it all together when something caught my attention. A guy who's profile, because of the inconsistency and weirdness of his photos, had left me intrigued and with a lot of question, sent me something like "ask me anything and I promise I'll be 100% honest". He wasn't hilarious, cute or even clever, but he was trying which means he must care about something. He must carry some sort of passion or curiosity, which most other messages seemed to lack. Naturally I asked him something I've been wondering for years, would you rather always wear a wet jacket, or forever keep a tiny living eel up your butt? One thing led to another and a couple exchanges later I learned he was an artist, primarily sculpture, and he wanted to use my body to make a mold for some sort of Jesus statue. Realizing that I do not know this dude at all and might've said yes a little too quickly, I met him for a drink to check his psycho level.
The next thing I know I'm naked and tied up to a cross in his Brooklyn studio, experiencing something uncomfortably familiar to a scene out of Dexter or True Detective. I remember walking only ten minutes from my East Williamsburg apartment to the somewhat dodgy part of Bushwick thinking - god it would really suck if I died by going on the wrong tinder date. My tomb stone reading something like "here lies Miri, trying to figure out what the f to do with her life when suddenly - death by Tinder". It was probably one of the more "fuck I'm stupid for doing this" scary moments of my life. Don't get me wrong, the guy was a gentleman, when I undressed he undressed, and made sure I was "as comfortable as I could get" at all times. But the huge full moon and the fact that he repeatedly said "there's literally no one here", referring to the whole of the four story building, didn't help. So basically I got strapped up on a wooden cross, covered in Vaseline, blue silicone and plaster at my every inch from thigh to neck and couldn't move for around two hours. As scared as I was, wishing I'd chugged at least half a bottle of wine before, I didn't die and I wasn't raped. I left with an identical plaster replica of my pussy, with such great detail I haven't even showed some of my closest friends afraid that they won't be able to look into my eyes after having looked so closely at my genitalia. He walked me home in the moonlight while holding my hand and chatting about art, life and dating. Then kissed me goodbye. I took a shower and went to bed reflecting upon the most erotic, intense and possibly dangerous date I've ever been on.
I realize this isn't your typical Tinder date, and I'm still uncertain how I succeed in attracting these types of characters. However, you gotta be prepared for whatever your Tinder future might hold. After my immersive research and basically putting my life on the line I feel well qualified to teach you the tricks, trades and secrets of tinder. Let's start with the basics - picture and description.
Call me shallow, but a good photo is crucial - Tinder is, essentially, a game judging people by their looks. First of all, don't be blurry - blurriness is an indicator that you’re hiding something. Secondly, don't get a professional photo taken, it's a dating app, not LinkedIn. Keep a variety of pictures representing your personality and looks, I'd say at least one accurate close up of your pretty face, another one in profile and a third in full body. Remember to showcase photos with different angles. And lastly, don't wear the same clothes in all your pictures.
I'm not sure that the trend of girls using Tinder guys to send them free pizza is over, but I do know that if a a pizza appears on a profile, it's secret Tinder code for "I want sex, no strings attached". Either way, if you're looking for "pizza" or not, I have two guidelines for ya'll.
1. Keep it simple, don't tell your life story. You want fellow Tinderers to have something to ask about.
2. Be honest. Whether it be one night stands, a serious relationship or simply finding a new friend in a new city - let people know what you're looking for. Honesty shows confidence and confidence is key.
Now that we've covered your profile, let's explore the species of the Tinder wildlife. Some are cute and innocent, others dangerously sneaky and deceiving. Like at any safari, it's good to read up on the animals you'll see on beforehand - here follows a few Tinder stereotypes you should be aware of.
The complicated art girl
Most of her pictures are black and white with her looking deep and difficult. She's hard to deal with and you better watch your mouth not to say anything slightly offensive to this touchy Tinderella. On the other hand, if she can afford living in NYC, doing art, she might come from money, which is nice. 💰💰💰
The half naked mirror selfie
Classic bro. Look at me, I work out. He doesn’t strive to be original. But he might be a good lay. Who's ever said no to a ripped teenage pool boy and sex on steroids?
dudes with cats
I'm still trying to figure out if this is secret tinder code for something. Sensitive? Can hold his cum? Either way, he's a softy but you will NEVER take the place of his cat.
DUDES WITH WILD CATS
I truly hope this trend is coming to an end. We’ve all encountered them, Tinder tigers are lurking and luring all over the dating desert. The young males posing next to dangerous and wild animals want to prove their masculinity through being ridiculously stupid and adventurous. Anyways, this is so 2015 and I'm over it.
The mountain top man
One of my favs. If you can climb a mountain I can only imagine what other things you’re capable of. However, don't feature any photos of you wearing those toe shoes looking like reptile feet. They're a turn off to most youngins.
The business dude
He wears a suit and instantly brings up the topic of where you want to be in ten years. This is a great networking opportunity and there’s a good chance he might be loaded. I'd say pretend you have a start up and fake it till you make it. That’s how most entrepreneurs do it these days anyways. And who knows, if you don't get laid you might end up with a business. Cha-ching!
The "I woke up like this"
First of all, I just want to make it clear that he did not, in fact, wake up like this. The messy bed hair and squinting eyes is supposedly a cry for a little closeness and some Aderall. But he's most likely a harmful young man with a ton of hair products.
The group picture
I hate saying this, but if there’s only group pictures, there's a good chance s/he's not showing you their true colors, or, to get real creepy, they might not even exist. There’s a snake in the house and I wouldn’t trust it.
People with kids
If you for whatever reason need to have a fucking baby in your photos can you please specify if its yours or not. I've never hooked up with a dad but I know some are into it. Please provide the appropriate explanation.
the tinder talk
You only got one shot, one opportunity, don't fucking let it slip! I used to know this girl who could call me up out of nowhere and be like "hi" and then go silent. I constantly had to lead the conversation and she would never tell me or ask me anything. I don't know her anymore. What I'm trying to say is, if you're going to do something, do it well. Don't waste your's or anyone else's time. Just because this is an online dating app doesn't mean you can be lazy. You don't just walk up to someone and say "hey" and expect them to fall on their knees for you (unless you're ridiculously good looking). Although you are on your phone, this is much different from texting with friends, in a message saying "hey" there simply is nothing to be answered. Lead with an open question, no easy yes or nos. Ask yourself, why would s/he answer me? What do you have to offer them? Can you make them smile? Or think? Or are you gonna kill them with your lameness?
Girls, remember, you don't have to reply to this kind of language.
However, if you are tired, hungover or simply suck at talking in general, I have a smashing suggestion for you - communicate in the tongue of the kids - solely through emojis. If you don't know how to do that either - I got you covered over here.
So to sum up this guide, don't be boring/lazy, trust your instinct and take good selfies god damn it. Have fun and good luck and feel free to ask me any questions along the way.
Thank you and I'm so sorry to all the dudes I've screenshotted and used in this post. Much love.