Despite the fact that I’m obsessively in love with the clouds and that I'm currently pouring wine down my throat because some dude I met on Tinder allegedly saw a ghost in the apartment I'm staying in, I like to consider myself a fairly normal person. I base my decisions on logic and common sense and I don't have a problem with the sexual tension eating a banana in public can sometimes invoke. However, no matter how sane I am I do enjoy a good crayfish party. Do you remember that one crazy ex lover you had who turned your life upside down and inside out? A psychotic and erotic blast from the past - intensely sexy yet an obvious manipulative mental maniac. Let me ask you, have you ever been on the other side? Aren't you sick and tired of being so fucking responsible? To gain understanding and sympathy, but also for pure enjoyment, here's a guide on how to gaslight the shit out of your current crush.
Maybe you've been feeling basic lately, maybe you're looking to have some fun or maybe you simply just don't want him to ever call you again. Whatever your situation might be, I'm here to help out. With some cute and innocent manipulation ideas we’ll start off easy and progressively accelerate as we go.
Because we all know that the ultimate love declaration is letting Bae eat cookies in bed. You made it to his place, you had a great night and it’s time for you to pull an Irish goodbye (with a twist). Of course, there are multiple articles you could leave behind to make him wonder who the fuck he slept with last night, but what could possibly beat an empty bed full of crumbs. Were you even real or just a leftover cracker at the right place at the right time?
Mess with his senses
While we're on a food theme. Flavour everything in his fridge with eucalyptus so that every time he eats anything it’ll taste like he just brushed his teeth. Why mess with just his head when playing tricks on his taste buds is easily done with a clean cooking syringe. If you're feeling next level you could even switch out the flavour with vodka to keep him in a constant drunken haze. Obviously to your advantage.
Tell him your pregnant
Then give him your mum's number and when he calls make her tell him you’ve been dead for 5 years. After this, reach him only via Snapchat to avoid leaving any traces and well, where the logo is a ghost. Now that he thinks he's impregnated a dead person, you can get him to do anything.
Make him family
Change your last name to his on Facebook and add him as a cousin. If you have a lot of free time, which I assume you do since you're 1. reading this and 2. considering participating in some very time consuming activities to mess with Bae's head, you might as well photoshop yourself into a picture with his grandparent, preferably in world war 2.
Refurnish his apartment
Nothing says "I'm crazy about you" like a brand new Valentine's Day-themed surprise interior from your latest Tinder crush. All you gotta do is break into his apartment, sell everything he owns and buy all new shit in red, pink and tiger print. He can call you crazy all he wants but the heart shaped bed says different and it's not like you asked him to move in together.
WRITE "YOU GOT AIDS" WITH LIPStiCK ON HIS BATHROOM MIRROR
Last year I got chlamydia. Twice. From the same guy. I never truly got my revenge so please promise me that before you leave your lover's place, use that romantic red for something good. That’ll unquestionably freak out both him and his roommates. Also, if you're lucky, he might want to see you again - it's not like he'll be sleeping with anyone else.
“ACCIDENTALLY” drop your shitLIST WITH HIS NAME ON
Then go down on him, tell him it's really just a shopping list and that he should stop reading into things and being such a paranoid little bitch. Ask him if he remembers the last time you went apple picking and when he answers that you just met a couple days ago ask him why he never spends anytime with you and throw his phone in the ground to emphasise how upset you are about him never calling you back.
SNORT BATH SALT PRIOR TO SEEING HIM
And see what happens. Eat his face out? Bath salts are GREAT because they are artisanal handmade designer drugs and are known to cause hallucinations and delirium. Eco-friendly and chic - just like his basic ass Alternative Apparel sweater. However, if you're not into spending cash on zombie drugs, you could simply start a choking game between you and your significant other. And hey, if you're the lucky winner you get to watch Bae pass out from the pressure of your delicate fingers around his neck.
There is a thin line between love and obsession as well as insanity and genius. And we won't know the differences before we explore both elements of the equation. I want to encourage you to get creative through this guide, use your imagination and listen carefully to the voices in your head whom you’d usually (and rudely so) suppress. It's your turn to leave someone speechless... or maybe even breathless. Dating is just another game, are you a winner or are you a loser? Fall of 2016 is almost here, are you spending your time and money on condoms and a new haircut or are you going to have some fun for once?